'Belly' of the Roversh
THE TRUE VOICE OF THE NORTH EAST - (AH THINK SAE!)
BELLY'S DAILY DIARY
Belly on Tommy Cooper by Request
21 March 2008
Man goes to the doctor with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doctor says 'don’t worry I will give you some cream to put on it.'
He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.' I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books.’
And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money into it. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this is my liveli-hood.'
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?' I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?’ and a voice said 'You are.'
I rang up a local building firm and said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you go get your ropes.’
I went to the doctors. He said 'I'd like you to lie on the couch'. I said 'What for?' He said 'I'd like to sweep the floor.'
I went to the doctors. He said 'What appears to be the problem?' I said 'I keep having the same dream, night after night, beautiful girls rushing towards me and I keep pushing them away'. He said 'How can I help?' I said 'Break my arms!'
I went up into the attic and found a Stradivarius and a Rembrandt. Unfortunately Stradivarius was a terrible painter and Rembrandt made lousy violins.
One year I got a bike for my birthday. So I went peddling off down the road and knocked an old lady down. 'Can't you ring your bell?' She said. 'I can ring my bell,' I said 'but I can't ride my bike'
We were coming in to land, and it affects your ears, doesn't it? The Stewardess gave me chewing gum. I put it in my ear. Took two days to get it out.
This little old lady was frightened. She looked at me, she said 'Do something religious'. So I took a collection.
I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.
A policeman stopped me the other night, he tapped on the window of the car and said: 'Would you please blow into this bag, Sir'. I said: 'What for, Officer?' He says: 'My chips are too hot'.
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